Will my world ever come around?

My first time was an accident. A friend, her sister and me were supposed to go catch DCH. We met at the theater and found that the tickets had sold out. Now what? Black? I was too chicken to go approach them. My friend, on the other had, had moral or rather parental objections to deal with. (Remember times when the two were the same? Sigh. Simpler times.) But i really badly wanted to see the movie. So she approached them for me, got me a ticket and left. And that is how it came about. Me watching a movie by myself. It felt like such an adventure, i couldnt wait to do it again!

The second time the gang at my old office had decided to watch Catch me if you can. Work came up and I had to ditch at the last minute. They liked it a lot and told me what an idiot i'd been to miss it. So one fine Sunday i took myself to Inox to watch it. But this time, it wasnt fun. The novelty had worn off. Plus, life had a lot more people in it and i kept feeling sorry for myself at having to be there all alone.

That would have been the end of my solo movie watching career if life hadnt decided to go barren again. I really badly wanted to see Jab we met but couldnt find people to go with. By now i'm sure you know how this goes. But the difference was, this time i had a fantastic time! It helped that i liked the movie, it helped that by this time i'd discovered caramel popcorn, it helped that i was highly amused at having bought the last row last seat ticket, but it went beyond that. I felt complete, relieved, free. To unashamedly enjoy the movie, even the cheesiest parts. To laugh out loud. To get lost in the movie without being distracted by the people i'd come with. To cry. (yeah, i do that embarrassingly often. Dont even get Veer Zara anywhere close to me) But the best part? I didnt have to do the walk. The walk from the movie hall to the parking lot. That is a walk so pregnant that one moment is all it takes to give birth to an embarrassing silence. (did i just say that??) A good movie for me is something i live through. For those 3 hours, it is my world. And when we are walking back, i'm somewhere in between the two worlds. A little lost. What words do i use to describe that look, that silly joke or that meaningless gesture that spoke so much to me? We havent really been watching the same movie. Not all movies do that. Crap ones are easier to deal with. You trash the jokes, trash the songs, trash the story and why... there is your trusty two wheeler, your means of escape!

The latest one i did on my own? Dark Knight. This one i wanted to see by myself. Almost everyone i knew had already decided to like the movie and i didnt want to watch it with their expectations. (Coincidentally, Bhai happened to come to the same theater, same show with a friend for his fourth viewing of the movie. Given his strong views on people who watch movies by themselves, it is to his credit that he didnt refuse to recognize me!) The movie? Was OK. I spent the first half mostly obsessing over the popcorn i'd decided to abstain from. Gave in in the interval. Spent the second half alternating between feeling thirsty and guilty. Now tell me, would you have liked to watch it with me?

But will my world ever come around to thinking its okay? To watch a movie by myself. To eat in a restaurant by myself. To cycle to work. Climb trees. Play badminton at "my age". Be stupid. Just be myself, even if that means i dont fit right into the slot the world has created for me.