Not awake and yet not asleep
In a world where reality is a dream and dream reality
I suddenly hear voices that don't belong
Startled, afraid,
Strangers in my home!

Takes an eternal instant
For reality to become itself
For me to realize
That I am the stranger in someone else's home.

You've been uprooted and planted in totally new surroundings. It's a new life in a new place with new people. And yet, within no time, you stop noticing the difference. It all seems perfectly normal until some small incident, utterly insignificant in itself, puts things into perspective.


I'm walking along the hostel corridor when at some distance i spot two bai's chatting. When i get a little closer, i'm shocked to hear them speak Hindi! Bai's are supposed to speak Marathi, I want to tell them, it's like their mother tongue. And then i realize i'm in Hindi's homeland.

I'm just a student like everyone else around. Exams, projects, assignments - you get the picture. One day i notice one of my classmates typing. She's doing it slower than i can do without looking at the keyboard. And it all comes back to me.

I'm riding my cycle to the department and i see two people on a Kinetic. Not a very rare sight, almost an everyday occurrence. And yet, one day it reminds me that I too have one of these back home. I actually have to imagine what it must feel like to ride a vehicle again.

The most effective way to shorten a line is to draw a bigger one

Here I am, on Platform 9 at Allahabad railway station, surrounded by blood thirsty mosquitoes and the biting cold, waiting for a train that is 9 hours late, and yet, i'm not really complaining. Though not exactly singing "God's in his heaven and all's right with the world, i don't subscribe to the popular opinion around that the railways have been taken over by the devil.
All because my waiting list seat got confirmed !

A day less ordinary

Girls Hostel - IIT Gate - some place halfway between IIT and railway station - Kalianpur - Girls Hostel - SAC bus stop - Gol Chauraha - Jhakarghatti (NO, i did not make that up) - Gol Chauraha - IIT Gate - Girls Hostel

Sounds like a busy, productive morning? Busy, of course, productive, hah!

Let me start at the very beginning of this tale of extra-ordinary stupidity. 'm so ashamed of it, i want the world to hear it and laugh at my face so that i dont do such things again (I know the world doesn't read my blog, but i really can't yell this out from rooftops)

It all started one fins (?) Sunday morning. It was the day i was to leave for home after 5 months of stay in the hostel. The day started with me getting up an hour and a half later than i'd planned and 20 minutes before i'd planned to leave. No self respecting girl can get ready in 20 minutes and neither did i. I did manage to get out in less than an hour though. Everything packed, breakfast eaten, goodbyes said, i was on my way to the railway station marveling at me speed and efficiency when lightening stuck. I'd forgotten - you won't believe this - my ticket!! It came a such a shock, i took quite some while to gather myself and ask the rickshaw wala to stop. About turn, back to the hostel. With help from and utterly disbelieving and utterly support classmate, I was on my way to catch a bus to catch my train, ticket firmly in place. The bus timetable however did not match the train timetable and i had to accept the fact that i couldn't make it to the station on time.

Angry, ashamed, frustrated, i cancelled my ticket and booked another one for the next day. Came back to the hostel and narrated my story to everyone, wanting them to laugh at my face. Most were either too disbelieving or too polite to do it. Spent the rest of the day drowning myself in serials and movies.

Latest Update:
A new day has come. I'm sitting in the ladies waiting room at Allahabad railway station, writing this story and many many more. The train is 9 hours late. If this is a regular habit with it, i could have walked all the way from Kanpur to Allahabad and still made it on time!

Kind of takes the punch out of your victory doesn't it, when you find out that the opponent was hollow ... that you really didn't have to put in your best ?

Feelng particularly low since i am the hollow opponent.

You never realized she was gone
Until she took away everything that was hers
Till then, her clothes were her, her bed was her, her books were her...
All alone in a half empty room
The faint echo serving to remind
That the only voice around is your own


An ode to my roomie (what did you think ;)

Law of conservation of responsibility

Whenever you see a carefree soul, completely lacking responsibility, look around a little and you will find another carrying the extra burden .

That will be the day that I die

The day I stop getting that sickening "end of the world" feeling in the pit of my stomach before a presentation.

Of course, time, experience and some surprising and inexplicable positive results have tempered the feeling to "end of a small continent" level.

The ant and the grasshopper
In my room live an ant and a grasshopper. Well, if you want me to be accurate, there live thousands of ants and hundreds of grasshoppers. But, we're interested in a particular ant, lets call it P, and a particular grasshopper, called, lets say V. This ant P works round the sem, Goes to bed only after a good day's work, uses weekends to catch up on where it is lagging. The grasshopper, true to its nature, whiles away time. Looks at the birds and the sky, plays around in the sun, hangs around with other lazy grasshoppers, generally has a good time and works only when pushed very hard against the wall.
Now that winter's here, its playback time for grassy. P of course, having worked all throughout, has enough stashed up to see it through the winter. And V of course, is having a very bad time, hopping from place to place, trying to do 10 different things at the same time. P watches V with an expression that is part smug, part sorry.
V has vowed that this is the last time it is going to behave like a perfect grasshopper. Next sem, it is going to try and mutate into something that is part ant, part grasshopper. So that life is not so much a union of extremes.

On my way to college, there used to be a school for orphan girls, run by the same institute that ran my college. And every morning, as i dragged my feet to college, i used to see the girls playing in the grounds. Volleyball, cricket, just about anything. And they all looked so happy and cheerful and fresh! That to me was, and is, the prefect way to start the day.
Perfection of course, is rarely attained. But, my hour of baskekball in the evening comes pretty close. I may not be great at it, i am not great at it, but it is so much fun. For that hour, there are no assignments, term papers , projects... I'm just this carefree being, living my hour of freedom.

Before:
My room. My PC. And my first episode of FRIENDS ! And tomorrow, i leave for a rafting trip !!
My cup of joy is overflowing, flooding everything in sight.

After:
Have you ever felt that your life is like one of those movies that would have been perfect if only the director had sense enough to end it at the right moment?
How i wish i could have rafted away into the sunset, and not have to return to this routine.

Ditched !! By my commenting tool :((
The official reason - "@%&*@# Basic/free accounts must be upgraded if they are heavily used over a prolonged period of time."
Heaviliy used. Bah
And they dont even let me keep the previous comments.
Now all that my stupid blog contains are my stupid posts. I WANT stupid comments :((

Trial by fire
I came though
scarred, burnt
Lessons never to be forgotten learnt

Background:
This place is filled with Andhrites and Begalis. Every second person is one and third person is the other. And somehow, south Indians any place to the north of south are a novelty. They end up attracting a lot of curiosity and attention.

Excerpts from an actual conversation with Someone (very definitely an Indian):

Someone: All these poeple, they all speak Telugu ?
Me: Yes
S: So many of them ! Hey, you are a South Indian too right? So, you must speak Telugu too
Me: No, i speak Tamil
(that i'm supposed to is closer to the truth, but i didn't elaborate)
S: Tamil? Not Telugu ??
(takes some time to digest this fact)
S: So, there are two South Indian languages.
Me: No, actually there are four .... Kannada and Malayalam
S: Malayalam ? Malayalam ??
(I didn't ask. By this time i was so filled with disbelief, i could believe anything. Maybe she thought Malayalam was just a silly palindrome)

Almost justifies all that "We won't learn Hindi" yelling you hear down South, don't you think?

Introducing - my roomies !

Apart from one insignificant two legged creature, i share my home-away-from-home with the creepies, the crawlies, the wigglies, the jigglies, the fliers, the biters, the fighters, the shouters ....

We're all one big happy family !

(Having to look at them every night makes me wonder - are they really a symbol of the maker's infinitie creativity or of his collosal disregard for his time)

She was really exited about the trek. The breathtaking scenery apart, she would actually be able to walk on snow !! She couldn't even remember how long she'd been dreaming of seeing and touching and playing with it. But when she heard that there was to be a separate trek for girls, she told everyone and anyone who'd listen, with her nose high up in the air, that she would not go for it. Girl-treks would be simpler, shorter, infinitely less exiting....
And then she heard that the boys trek would start from 2000 ft and go up to 5000 ft. And each person would carry 20 kg on their back.
Nose firmly back in position, she practices carrying around 7 kg loads.

Have you ever wished there were 4 of you? Scary thought, more so for me because, no one knows me better than myself :)
Putting it another way, have you even been pulled in 4 different direction? Every direction equally attractive, each pull equally strong, until you actually hope you rip apart, just so the pulling would stop?

A trek on the Himalayas
Rock climbing
River water rafting
Home

All stuff that my dreams are made of (the last one being a recent addition). All to be done at the same time.
No one was more in need of J.K.Rowlings time turner :(

Prologue:
I've always wanted to write a verse. Something a little more abstract than what i generally write. What follows is an attempt at the above. The only thing that gives me the confidence to post this, well, there are two things. One is that most of the current audience of my blog are my friends. And they can't stop reading just because i write unreadable stuff :) I mean, thats what friends are for. The other of course is the "Delete" option in blogger.


Small things
and yet, they bind you
don't let you fly away

You dream
dream of a day
a day when nothing holds you
a day you fly away

And then, bright and new
comes a day
a day when the small things that hold you
the things that bind you are gone !
Nothing stops you from flying away

And then you see
small things
small things you hadn't seen before
and you know you'll never fly away

But, cold and clear
will come a day
A day when the small things that no longer bind will seem bigger than the small things that do
And you'll feel that much closer to flying away.

Saw a foreign language film. Wihout any subtitles. Needless to say, didn't get a thing. The only two lines with subtitles were - "I give others hope. I keep none for myself".
The movie was called - "Lord of the rings - Return of the King". Maybe the name fooled me :(
I knew as much about the plot before watching the movie as i did after. And that is - There is this ring, and it is an evil one. And so, it needs to be put into fire. The ring obviously doesnt fancy such and end to its existence. Once in, and it would become a nameless, shapeless blob of metal. Or worse, thousands of nameless, shapeless blobs of metal. And so, it tries it damnest best to retain its name and shape. Tempts anyone and everyone who try to take it anywhere close to fire. Causes huge wars, huger books and hugest movies to be made. In the end ofcourse, as in all good stories, good triumphs over evil and the ring becomes a u-know-what.
Even with this extremely limited understanding, the movie was fun to watch. But, i still say, gimme a book over a movie, anyday.

Yahoo !! It's thursday !

Special dinner in the mess tonight !! There's little else that makes me as happy as food does.
If one looks at life just as a series of Thursdays, the weeks seem to pass by in a flash. I can remember the anticipation of the last 4 thursdays, just like they were yesterday and the day before, and the day before the day before ....

"Hi there, I am Punctual, Miss Punctual"
(Title inspired by one of Pooja's posts)

I've never been called punctual. Whatever may be the decided time, i'm always 5 minutes late. This is mainly due to an extreme reluctance to start early - somehow starting early seems more sacrilegious than arriving late. And, having been surrounded all my life with people of the older generation for whom punctuality comes a close second to godliness, i've never managed to earn much of a name in that department.
But, IIT K has changed all that. These people have taken punctuality to a new dimension - and left it there !!
A party at 6, and people are tricking in at 7.
A competition at 6, ou team reaches at 7, and we're the first ones there.
A movie scheduled at 9. Its 9.45, the screen still irresolutely white.
A match scheduled at 6 (a.m, mind you), we (the audience) reach there at 7 to discover we've beaten the players to it !

Havn't given up hope. I'm the only one around who still insists we leave at 6 for a party at 6. (Ofcourse, i end up leaving at 6.05 :)) I know though, that i'm fighting a losing battle.

Not fit for the previous generation. Considered hopelessly outdated by my own. I'm going to start a new generation - one for whom punctuality means being 5 minutes late !

For want of a shoe nail

A CD player. Magnanimously gifted by bhai, only too glad to get rid of me.

CDs. Filled with favourite songs carefully picked during my last days in Pune.

Batteries. Amongst the first things i bought on setting foot in K.

But, no headphones :(((

Didn't know i'd miss listening to music so much :(

The day wasn't special by itself but they'd been ordered to make it so. And so, after an extremely ordinary lunch that gave no hint about the festivities to come, they started to work. And work they did, till dinner time.
7.30, and the girls started trickling in for dinner. Dinner - a biological necessity, not something to be looked forward to. So unexpected was it that most of them didnt even notice anything different until they were well inside the dining hall. The whole place had been transformed ! Scrubbed clean, brightly lit, tables covered with table-cloths and table cloths covered with rose petals. They could scarcely believe it was the same old hall they ate in everyday ! As they filled their plates, they only hoped the food lived up to all this decoration.
And live up it did ! It was the food that completed the transformation. From a place filled with some disappointment, but mostly indifference, the hall was transformed to a place alive with happiness! It was everywhere and it touched everyone - those who didnt find the food extra-ordinary, those who were serving it and most importantly, those who'd worked to make it special.

If ever there comes a day when there are only two career options open to me - washing clothes and begging, i'm pretty sure i'll be stuck with the latter. Not so much because i'd make a terrific beggar, but because i'm a terrible washer. One look at the before and after of clotehs washed by me will tell you why. At least to the naked eye, there is no difference in them :(( If only i'd known that a
not-so-up-to-the-mark performance in GATE would lead to this, i would've given everything i had to do better.
And yet, even this dark cloud is not without its silver lining. All this washing contributes significantly towards my goal of winning the inter-galactic baddie
championship. Arms, wrist, plam - washing does seem to be an exercise tailor-made for wannabe inter-galactic baddie champions !

As an aside, all these inter-galactic thoughts can be attributed to my perusal of "The Ultimate Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy" in my spare time. Its hilariously, uproariously funny. I have to take a break after every two pages to let all
the laughter out of my system. Great chioce, guys !!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I actually feel physical pain every time i hear that recorded laughter coming out of a passing room. If only i'd been a little less me, i would've banged into the room full of stangers and sat and watched with them :(
Some day .....
But, i also know that for most events in life (my life at least), the anticipation is more exiting than the event itself.
Here's to anticipation !

I've never been ragged. And looking at what some of the b techs undergo here, am i glaaad i didn't give JEE (Did someone say sour grapes?) Objectively speaking, its not that bad. But singing and dancing is not what what i'm all about, as those who know me will readily testify.
I did have one unforgettable experience with ragging here. Havnig finished my dinner, i was getting up from the table, probably a little hestiantly because one of my friends sitting next to me hadn't finished. This is when this girl sitting opposite did some stange action with her fingers. I was not sure she was looking at me, but there was no one else nearby. I returned an utterly puzzled look and she said - "B Tech, first year ?" I managed to almost fall off my chair and also reach cloud number 9. Its been closer to a decade than i'd like it to be since i was in BE first year !! Took me a long long time to come back to earth .....
And, DARE anyone cast aspersions on the quality of eyesight of such a wonderful pure, benovelent soul !

The bubble did burst when i found out a probable cause for the misunderstanding. All first year b techs had to wear their duppattas in "jassi-style" (NO, i dont watch that serial, this is a second hand description). And, i'd probably unknowingly worn it that way.

Long will live Eakta Kapoor
(Not sure if that is the "latest" spelling, but you know who i'm talking about)

IIT. The temple of Indian education. A place where some of the greatest minds of the country are prepared for the future. (Dont mind my prescence here, i'm the exception proving the rule). A little surprising that the hostel of such an institute has a TV room. A little more surprising that it is seldom unoccupied. But, what is most unbelieveable is what the TV is made to dish out most of the time - yes, all those saas-bahu serials! And tough one wont find too many people in the TV room every day, almost everyone knows what goes on in every serial (me being an exception again, a happy one this time). All those people who refuse to acknowledge Hindi as a language to be used for normal conversation, stuck to the TV.

If this is the future, i wash my hands off it.

I've hooked up to another game. Basketball. If i continue like this, very soon,i'm going to be "not a jack, not yet a king" of all games ever invented.
What attracted me to the game is that it can really strengthen your arms (strength being very much in demand in that region). It can remove the one weakness that stops me from becoming a national, no international, maybe even inter-galactic baddie champion.
Met a girl here who'd played basketball in her school days. And she said that het biggest problem in baddie is that she hits the shuttle so hard that it mostly flies outside the court !!! I have met anti-me !! (remember Shyamalan's Unbreakable?) Anyway, that pretty much decided it.

Basky, here i come !

Anyone who sees me for the first time here will be execused for thinking i'm an exercise addict. From my very first day here, i've started exercising. My roomie is impressed with my determination. Little does she know the real reason behind my persistence :) Everyday, IITK mess does something that makes all this exercise necessary, probably even futile :( Yesterday, it was bread and butter for breakfast. I heard a voice challenge me - "Lets see you resist that". To cut a long struggle short, it didn't and probably never will. Today, it was an indianized version of french fries (much tastier, IMO). The voice again. Some voices never learn.
It is almost as if every morning, as i sweat it out (that being achieveable in K by simply standing) i am atoning for my previous day's sins.
1..2..3..4
Oh lord, please forgive me for the butter
5..6..7..8
and the fries
...

Had Shahi Paneer for dinner. Even had to pay extra for it. The voice had finally learnt its lesson.

I have been uprooted from my world and placed in totally new surroundings. Normally, one of the following should happen:
1. I should have lost her bearings and be trying to find them
2. I should feel on TOP of the world
3. I should feel like running away from this place.

But no. Here i am, life going on as usual, as if nothing has happened. As if it is perfectly normal for a person to sleep at home in Pune at night and wake up in a hostel in Kanpur the next morning.

Sometimes, i have to pinch myself to see if i am really alive.

Today was supposed to be my last day here ...

a day of good-byes
a day filled with memories of the absolutely wonderful times i've had here
and memories of how the not so wonderful times were made memorable by the wonderful people
a day for looking back two years and almost not recognizing myself
a day for looking ahead, wondering if i'll be able to adjust to a college, be able to address people as "sir"
a day for wondering if i'll every see you guys again
a day filled with promises to keep in touch

Guess it was not meant to be. Guess He wanted to make me really really want to go.

So that i dont miss it all so much.

Tried something new this weekend. Said to myself - You're going to have a miserable week. Why have a miserable weekend too ? And so, i came to office on the weekend and did almost absolutely no work !! Was great fun while it lasted ....
Now for the hangover. Its hardly the end of the day and i'm already filled with remorse :((
Guess this is just not me.

Some things never change ...

Still someone who LOVES the beach

Still someone who dreams of playing in the snow one day

Still someone who dreams of standing under a waterfall

Still someone who loves reading

Still someone who finds it difficult to say no

Still someone who hasn't found her calling in life.

On the other hand ....

From someone who in two years talked to exactly two people in her class ...
To someone for whom having a conversation isn't exactly an earth-shattering experience

From someone whose in meetings spoke ONLY when spoken to, and that too a yes or a no ...
To someone who sometimes gives opinions even without being asked

From someone who didn't even know what a pizza tasted like ...
To someone who has tried it all and can't stand anything other than desi stuff

From someone who was unbelievable overweight but didn't look it ...
To someone who is just plain overweight and looks it

From someone who was proud of jogging once around a football ground ...
To someone who can jog for 25 minutes and still say - "Yeh dil maange more"

From someone for whom snacks were incomplete without a second helping ...
To someone for whom only extreme hunger (which is not as rare as she'd like it to be) necessitates a second helping

From someone for whom dreams were dreams, not to be confused with reality ...
To someone who has the courage to convert some one her dreams to reality

Hmm, not bad, even if i do say so myself :)

From someone for whom travelling by bus was a way of life ...
To someone who feels queasy in a 20 minutes bus journey

From someone who could eat anyplace, anytime, the only things needed were hunger and food ...
To someone for whom the cafeteria turns into a land filled with hostile people at the very thought of eating alone

From someone for whom watching a movie alone was an adventure of its kind ...
To someone, at the very thought a shiver goes down whose spine

Where did you go?

Played baddie after aaaaages today .... feel like a human again :))

You know things are not going well when:

1. You leave office at 11 pm one day, and the night watchman on duty gives you a surprised look that says - "Leaving ?"
2. The driver of the "late-night-car" knows the way to your house better than you do.
3. Its monday. You spot a copy of Sunday Times in your house and wonder - Was there a sunday recently?
4. Your vehice headlights are not working. The vehicle becomes useless to you since you never travel during the day anyway.
5. Your colleagues wonder when you go home. Your neighbours wonder when you are home. Your parents wonder when you are home. And you wonder - "Home? Whats home ?"

Life should be more than a series of milestones.... it should be a series of journeys to milestones.

Discovery of the day:
You can hear yourself better when you close your ears.

In case i'd forgotten, he decided to teach me again.
I now re-know why a release is called a release :)

Just the prospect of a trip has made me go crazy ..... dont know what will happen if and when it actually materializes. Going by experience though, i wont be so crazy about it then .... in my case, the prolog almost always causes more exitement/happiness/fear as the case may be, than the event itself.

Should be working, but am totally distracted .....

As far as direction sense goes, you really cant get much worse than me. Having lived in the same city for the past 20 odd years (no, I refuse to get more specific than that ;) ) one would expect me to somewhat know my way around the city. I was reminded how bad i was a few days ago, when i was returning home a little late in the night with a friend. He's been in the city for two years, and claims to have an equally bad sense of direction. And, he knew the way back as well as I did. Or rather, i knew as little as he did. Fortunately, he does not fall into the category of men for whom asking for directions is sacrilege. So, we reached home without too much of Pune-darshan.

The availability of people who can direct you is what spoils it all. I keep thinking - Why bother to remember the way, when you can always ask someone if you get lost ?
A little bit of ego is a good thing sometimes.

Most non-stray dogs you come across are surprisingly well-behaved. Even if they are not tied to a leash, they follow the master (or whoever is walking them), not distracted by anything - be it a dustbin, a jogger, a cat or whatever. Its almost like they are on a wireless leash! It is those few members of the canine species who do not follow the wireless protocol who bring their species a bad name.

These wireless dogs remind one so much of people everywhere - free in body but bound in spirit.

"Man invented work to keep himself from thinking " - said someone, and i couldn't agree more. When life is filled with work, or rather life is work (like mine has been for the past couple of weeks), not only do you not have the time to think, you also stop noticing the small things that set you off on some trail of thought. Which is why, when i am swamped with work, one of the first things that take a hit is my blog - I dont have the time and I dont have the ideas. Not that i'm overflowing with creativity the rest of the time, but least i manage to find something to write
about once in a couple of days.
Beware, all ye readers!! Now that I am relatively free, i'm going to spam my blog with all that has happened all these months.

Some events in life make you question your reasons, your motives. "Why am I here" ? "Why am I doing this" ? Writing get and set methods to provide access for 130 private members of a class at past 10 in the night pretty much did it for me! With each function, I told myself - "Be a lazy programmer. Write a script to do this". But, at past 10 in the night, though you can rely on your copy-pasting abilities, you really wouldn't care to bet on your script writing ones.

There was once this man who lived in a village. Though he had everything he was not happy. His biggest complaint was that his house was too small. One day, he happened to meet the sadhu who sat the the edge of the forest near the village, and poured out all his problems. The sadhu listened patiently and then told him to get his cows to live inside the house for a week. The man had a lot of faith in the sadhu and did as was told. A week later, the man went back to the sadhu and said - "The whole house is stinking. There's no place to cook, no place to sleep, its really terrible ". The sadhu told him to keep his pigs inside the house for a week. The man could hardly believe his ears, but he still had faith. So, again, he did as he was told. A week later, the man came back to the sadhu, nearly in tears. He said - " Now, even the cows are stinking ! No one in the village wants to have anything to do with our family. What should i do ?" The sadhu asked him to take the animals back to their sheds and clean up the house. Relieved, the man rushed home and did as was told. A month later, the man happened to meet the sadhu and the sadhu asked - "So, how's your house?" The man replied - "You must come to my house. I'm sure you have never seen a more spacious house. It's got place for everything I need need and more !!"

Life after GATE is indeed wonderful !!

Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew !

For those who didn't understand, that was me exhaling.
I'm free !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!