Office tales

Inappropriate for you if you are too young or an old, impressionable relative. You have been warned.

There are lots of people from Pune in this office. (I still dont call it "my" office... hmm). Probably the second biggest demographic, after the millions of Keralites. Some discussion sprouts about the Chitale Bandhu near Deccan and as people join in, I discovered more and more people from my city. This one guy says - yeah i am from Pune, i even know Marathi. And then to prove that he really does, says - "Naahi kaka, daaru naahi, fakta cigarette peeli aahe" and i laugh. Someone asks him - what is fakta, to which he explains it means only (sirf). And they share this smile which i dont get at all. The guy continues - sometimes outside toilets there, you find a sign that says "fakta ladies".

It takes a few seconds for me to get it, but oh boy when i do, my world changes. Literally, I can never use that word now without giggling. It was just lying there all this time, waiting for the right pair of eyes to see.

"Gym" tales

The office has a gym. If you can call a room with two treadmills and two ellipticals that looks as if it was built for just that much a gym. I obviously can. This is the story of me and that gym.

A few months ago, my body was threatening to outgrow my most unflattering of clothes. I whined about it and the dude denied everything (he was glad of the opportunity to deny it in person, its sort of difficult to convincingly tell a person on chat – no, no, of course not, you are not growing fat). BUT, clothes don’t lie. So I decided to hit the above mentioned gym. But you cant keep yourself entertained for very long with just treadmills, ellipticals, a radio station that plays more ads than songs and a radio that goes silent every 30 seconds. So I improvised.

• I played songs on my phone. But it is difficult to keep up the tempo when Bob Dillan is asking you in that tone– How many roads must a man walk down…
• I tried aerobics on the gym floor. To radio ads. Not fun.
• I tried using stuff lying around the gym as weights. Worked brilliantly for a while. These metal things that are used to wall mount TVs? Very good for bicpes and triceps! But then someone had to come and mount the TV. 
• Which was good! So many channels! Non-stop songs! And so much increase in general knowledge. The storage layer in my brain now accommodates Chikni Chameli, Jalebi Bai and Disco going Anarkali. How else could I have met these delightful people?
• I raided the room next door for potential weights. Drums – nope, chairs – nope, drum stool – yay, Cisco APs – double yay! Took two of them. And giggled all the time I was exercising with them, thinking about what I used to do with Cisco APs in my past life. Feedback to Cisco, if anyone is listening – those white APs you make? Not so good for biceps. Put on a couple of kgs and then we’ll talk.
• Next day the drum room is locked. So I look around once more and spot the weighing machine. The one that consistently shows my weight as 23 kgs (damn it, did someone buy the moon-weight machine again?) I pick it up – perfect for biceps!
• I try filled up water bottles, they start out okay, don’t work so well after I have drunk half their weight.

I proudly reported all my innovations to the dude, who, probably in a desperate attempt to stop further conversation on the subject, told me to lift his nephew* for biceps. Which I couldn’t, he is too heavy, what with all the milk he has. Finally, the dude threatened to buy me a box of weights. Which would be really weird, I mean, imagine me dragging a handbag, a laptop bag, a clothes bag, a shoe bag AND a box of weights from the car to the gym. I begged and got a couple of days from him to see if I can make better arrangements. I mailed the office facilities and they said they’ll have the weights by the end of the week. See?? Poochne mein kya jaata hai!

From Monday, it’ll be back to mindless gymming. Who knows though, if someday someone forgets to lock the drum room…

　

*That little fellow may be growing up on the weirdest lullabys ever. After singing ba ba black sheep in all variations I could think of (Ba ba pink sheep, yes sir yes sir, 7 bags full. Ba ba the sheep still ended up distributing 3 bags full only, my head cannot do the distribution math AND sing at the same time, it can however generate a random number between one and 10), I was found singing the national anthem to him. He got all patriotic and "stood" in attention and refused to sleep. People laughed. I don’t know any songs – I whined. Whats wrong with Sheela ki Jawani – the Dude. I ignored him and sang Saare Jahan se Achcha. Even after I had assured him that Hindi hai hum (3 times) and vatan hai hindustaan hamara, he refused to sleep. I had a nagging suspicion that the problem may not be with the content but with the delivery, but I killed it.

Lessons (i wish) driving has taught me

Sometimes when someone right ahead of you is driving as if the road belongs to him, honk! It is very possible he isn’t aware he is blocking you, it is possible he is a nice guy and will move, it is of course also possible he is an ass and will ignore you or that he is doing it on purpose, but poochne mein kya jaata hai?
(Mera poochne mein bahut kuch jaata hai. It is surprising the lengths to which I will go just to avoid asking. )

Its only when you drive a two wheeler after you’ve been driving a car for a while, that you appreciate the freedom and flexibility it gives you! I have become a much more effective "activa driver" since I started taking out the car. Reminds me of this story my mom used to tell us. Maybe I should re-visit bikes, now that gears are not the scary things they used to be.

(Anyone wants to volunteer their bike? Dude’s bike is ancient and requires special handling and Bhai’s bike is huge and also requires special handling).

And lastly, second gear is the man! I have no idea of the broader applicability of that lesson in life, but in driving, it has made all the difference. I am a better driver because of it. Last week for the first time I had a non-family passenger in the car and he didn’t jump off the car or close his eyes and pray or anything! He just sat there talking and giving directions and though I haven’t officially asked for his feedback, I hereby declare another milestone crossed.