Words that wont leave me alone

Tujhe kya gham teri rishta
Gagan ki baansuri se hain
Pavan ki guftgu se hain
Sooraj ki roshni se hain

They make me want to fly, these words.


Daraaein daraarein hain maathe pe maula
Marramat mukkadar ki kar do maula

Did you see how beautifully he just called Him a mechanic?


Thoda sa resham, tu humdum
thoda sa kurdura
kabhi daud ja ya lad ja
ya khusboo se bhara
Tujhe badalna na chahoon ratti bhar bhi sanam
Bina sajawat, milawat, na jayada na hi kam

I earlier heard bina sajawat as tera sajawat. I liked it better then. Even your imperfections are perfect.


And, zari wala neela aasman. Sigh.

If i can create something that beautiful once, i'll quietly go.

I did briefly fantasize out loud about becoming a writer a couple of days ago. In it i alternate between writing goosebumps-inducing poetry and lol comedies like TBBT. People around me soon bought me back to reality. Didnt exactly help because i then went on to dream about becoming the President of the Unites States.

Conversations, imagined or otherwise

"There is no running away from it, we are all connected" he says."Remember those Venn diagrams we used to draw in school? With the hatched portions where A meets B? Why do you run away from the intersections?"

"The intersections are never me", she says. "A meets me, but its always more A than me. I'm not saying A does it on purpose. But i just make it so easy."

"It doesnt have to be that way, you know? Their lives are as connected to yours as yours are to theirs. Look at the intersections as a means to spreading your influence, to getting what you want while still staying connected. Its not a battleground where only one can survive. Not always."

"I dont know", she says with a confused shake, "its been a while since i've seen the positives of caring or being cared for."

Growth

Seems like just yesterday that i helped that little kid open an email account. Today, he tells me about torrent sites that work better than the ones i frequent. Watching someone grow up is supposed to be bittersweet, but i dont see it in this. (As long as i get my fix of illegal entertainment, i suppose...).
What is bittersweet is first proudly watching parents from another generation brilliantly incorporate the Internet into their everyday lives. From Solitaire to Yahoo Messenger to online share trading to blogs. And then watch them use it to research illnesses that plague them and the ones around them. For a generation that is bought up to see doctors as the last resort, someone you go to with one kidney hanging out, i'm not sure this empowerment will do much good.

Coming soon to a multiplex near you

If you live in Maharashtra, that is. Yes, i acted in a move!! My debut film! How cool is that? So what if its a regional one, Maharashtra is a pretty big region. Before i get into the business of crowing about it, here is the scene.

Version 1:
(aka Mahabharata as told through the eyes of the cockroach that lived on kurukshetra grounds)

Atul Kulkarni and some heroine open the glass door and enter the hall, talking. The camera is on them, but doesnt seem particularly interested. It wanders around, taking in the background. And then, it sees me! And two others, walking the perfect walk (okayed in one take, okay?) Torn between staying faithful to the principal characters and following the more interesting ones, the camera totters for a bit. Convention wins, and the camera settles on the principle characters with an audible sigh.

Version 2:
(aka Mahabharta, the official version)

Atul kulkarni and the heroine open the glass door and enter the hall, talking. General people walk around in the background. One of them is me.

I had decided, after the shoot, to be all calm and mature and indifferent about it. But it wasnt much fun. Now i dream of me on the movie poster, me getting my big break because some director watching the movie notices my face in the crowd (a friend put this one in my head, yes, i have friends like that), me in filmfare interviews...

Some highlights (because i'm too bored to join sentences)

- out of the 5 chosen ones, only 1 or 3 were Maharashtrians depending on how you define the term. So the assistant would describe our role (there was a whole lot of describing going on, given that all we had to do was walk) and would not have walked two steps when the one non-Maharashtrian-no-matter-how-you-describe-the-term would pipe up - Kya bole usne? I was sure there would be some MNS types around who'd get us all kicked out, insisting on Marathi crowd in a Marathi film.
- Reliable sources report that the one non-Maharashtrian-no-matter-how-you-describe-the-term is the current favourite for the best debut by a non Marathi actress in a Marathi movie award. Yay! Another party!

Almost forgot. Its Mukti. If we make it to the finals, i will insist you watch.

Which version wins?

A teeny tiny funny thing happened yesterday. And since nothing feels really real until i tell my blog about it, here i am. (Which reminds me, i havent yet told you i acted in a movie, have i? It be coming right up!) Only, inspired by people i told it to, my head made up two versions of what happened. I couldnt pick one, so i present to you,

Sunny side up

She leaves at the end of a long, exhausting, not particularly fruitful day, bike keys in one hand and the phone in the other. In the parking lot, she puts the keys in her ear and looks for the opening in the bike where the phone goes in.

And here is where it becomes really inexplicable, she turns the keys.

Dark matter

She leaves at the end of a long, exhausting, not particularly fruitful day, bike keys in one hand and the phone in the other. In the parking lot, she puts the keys to her ear and looks for an opening in the bike where the phone can be inserted. She turns the keys in her ear, hoping she wont have to resort to kick starting. She tries the key a few times, but it seems stuck. She tries jamming it in. There is blood, but it doesnt quite register. She is just trying to start the bike, why would there be blood? She falls over, wondering where all the pain is coming from. Just as she passes out, the phone begins to ring...

Happy new year and other nonsense

One glimpse of your own mortality is all it takes to stop making fun of the old.

No, that wasnt about death. But about empathy. So from today, i'll stop with the jokes. At least for today. I dont think i can control what comes out of my mouth very well any more. Strange, i always saw myself as one of the quieter ones, as one who had to make efforts to speak, not make efforts to shut up.

More such discoveries about myself are leading me to believe that i havent been stress tested enough. While my behaviour during normal times is well defined, there is no saying where the bugs will come out from once you bring on the stress.

Happy new year was celebrated with the discovery of not a bug in my code, but a monster.

Crackers for the soul

A little rat. Scurrying around the house, nibbling whatever it can lay its two front teeth on. Never finishing off what it started, the size of the find far exceeding its capacity. Never going back to finish either, because who wants to eat rat-bitten stuff? Until it begins to see the waste. If only food came in smaller portions, it sighs.

So i went and bought me a book on short stories. Called (ironically enough, no wait, i'm not sure this is irony. Strangely enough? Coincidentally? Inappropriately? Ahh, i think i'll go with that) The Cats Pyjamas.

One short story later. I dont think i've got the hang of reading short stories. I keep expecting the last sentence to deliver some kind of a punch. To go with a bang, not to fade slowly into the sunset.

I twitter on my blog

(because no one reads my twitter. Not even me.)

All you need to get lost in the web is a starting point.

What if you are not suitable for the kind of life you want? NSFL. Heh.

What is it with bookstores keeping the sci-fi section next to the romance section? <An aaha! moment later> Are both meant for dreamers? For people who want an escape from reality?

Its a good thing credit card companies consider me not stable enough for a card. With Wikipedia asking for support, what other excuse do i have for not extending some?

Somedays at work make you feel like the Kitty to a brilliant Karamchand.

There is a comfort in seeing poeple online on weekends. Hum panchi ek daal ke kind of comfort.
They are sharing a drink called lonliness,
but its better than drinking alone
Oh la la la ...
You miss the ones who arent green, even if you never talk to them when they are. You begin to wonder, did they finally get a life?

Still on TV

&lt;rant> It is starting to look like i've found a cause. I am apparently the person who raises her voice against Incorrect Portrayal of Indians on American Television. TBBT is the latest series to evoke my wrath. Dont get me wrong. I have nothing against them introducing Rajesh Koothrappali as a caricature Indian and making the usual jokes about over population and arranged marriages. (Was there a one on us being cheap?) I even laugh when they are funny. What gets to me is the little details that they mess up. If I were to assign marks to the following based on their likelihood,

1. Rajesh Koothrappali is from Delhi
2. Rajesh Koothrappali calls his parents mummy and papa in what i understand to be a North Indian accent
3. Rajesh Koothrappali's parents live in Delhi but pronounce Punjab an PUnjab
4. Rajesh Koothrappali's parents are trying to arrange his marriage with a nice PUnjabi girl called Lalita Gupta

1 would get an 8, 2 would be a 5, 3 would be, well, 0.5 and can things have negative likelihood?

I realize its a comedy show. I realize these small inconsistencies do not take away anything from the enjoyment for most people watching the show. I do not believe everyone in the world should know their India basics (I was surprised at all the indignation flowing when years ago George Bush, while running for President, didnt know who the Indian PM was. Why should he?). But for people who care enough to hire people especially to get the physics right, who plan to have an actual problem being solved on Sheldon's board through the season, why overlook such tiny things that any Indian over the age of 10 will laugh at? &lt;/rant>

With that out of my system, i shall now get to drooling over the series. Great fun! And very very precious, now that i'm out of fresh stock for almost everything i watch. One joke that redeemed the arranged marriage episode for me:

(Raj is over at Leonard and Sheldon's place, voice chatting with his parents)

Papa: If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid the monsoon season
Raj: Spring Wedding!
Mummy: Its up to you, we dont want to meddle
Raj: If you dont want to meddle then why are you medding?
Sheldon: If i may, you parents probably dont consider this meddling. While arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children's love lives.
Raj: (irritated) Why are you telling me about my own culture?
Sheldon: Because... you seem confused.

Touche.

Be Right Back

Three posts in the drafting stage. Not one i can sit with long enough to finish.

So many "good" movies i ought to watch, but 3 hours of undivided attention is asking for too much of someone as bloated up as i am on a diet of 20 and 45 minute TV shows.

Books i guess are the worst hit. I still religiously go to the library, see stuff i would have liked in another lifetime, and get it home. Only to return it unopened. And mostly late. Other than a P.G Wodehouse or a Terry Pratchett, there is no other book i can reasonably guarantee i'll even open.

People i havent called up in an unforgiveably long time.

Places i have declined to go to.

I can of course blame it all on work. On the tending towards insane hours, on being called on holidays and weekends. But i know its more than that. Its like someone injected me with a giant syringe full of indifference. It is slowly spreading all over, and one by one the systems are shutting down. (Yes, too much medical drama in my diet). The only functions that are untouched yet are work, TV and strangely enough, the gym.

Now that most TV shows are on an unscheduled (and in my humble opinion illegal) break, the silver lining seeker in me hopes some of the above will rush in to fill the vaccum created.

On the other hand, i have been known to say BRB when i actually mean GTG.

Let the goose that lays golden eggs lay the eggs

There is no better way to "feel the love" than to pass through the comments section on various torrent sites. The ones that deliver, i mean. People are falling over themselves to thank the uploader, bless him, take his dog out for a walk, just anything for for the pleasure of being able to watch that movie or this episode of that TV series. Of course, the fact that they only have to type out their gratitude makes them promise more than would actually care to deliver if it came to that, but i have a feeling a lot of them mean what they say. And i can understand the love overflowing, but people, you have to be careful you dont drown the poor guy! The best example of what i'm trying to say are the <* I go for axxo but you can fill in the name of your favourite uploader here> for president! messages. To the people posting such messages. I understand you think just about anyone would be an improvement. I understand what axxo has bought to your life few others will. I understand you want to share the sense of happiness and fulfillment. But please, think for a minute. If axxo becomes president and goes around saving the world** with the same dedication and sincerity with which he rips movies, where will we go for our daily fix?


* Yippie! I finally remembered before publishing a post that angular brackets wont work.
** Yes, its the Heroes effect. Even the apple i eat somehow saves the world. Eat the apple, save the world.

To the one who (supposedly) sits up above the world so high

(For the record, this is not what i want to be writing. At all. The disclaimer just so i feel less of a hypocrite.)

You didnt have to do it. No, really. Take a casual comment, inspired more by nostalgia than any real love for the season, so seriously and bring winter to my city overnight. And while i have your attention, how about looking into that other stuff i've been going on and on about?

TIA.


(What if His system is that arbitrary? Each one of us gets a slice of His time and whatever we happen to be wishing for at that moment, is ours. We'd have to be clean and clear on the inside, 24x7. No more looking left one minute and be convinced that right is the way to go the next. No more wishing that guy would choke on his own cigarette, or wanting all traffic lights to turn into fairies and fly away, or wishing for a big tree to fall on her head and knock the nonsense out of it. It'd be worse than being good for Santa Claus!)

Now accepting applications for the post of driver for my Nova

Aah, Thursday's done! Just one more to go. Wish i didnt live this far from office, the ride is really starting to get to me. 40 kms a day on days i go to the gym, even the petrol pump assistant recognizes me now. At least it has stopped raining. Rains in November, what is the weather coming to? Heh, maybe the weather gods have also had to suffer layoffs. Maybe they outsourced to some developing part of heaven and are now dealing with communication issues. Idiot, at least dont make fun of your own side! I have to admit though, the rains make for a smoother ride. Right. And do you plan on getting those brakes fixed anytime soon? Whats wrong with them? So their output doesnt exactly correspond to the input, but i've gone months without any output from them at all. You think i cant do this? Oh fine. Even if you do say yes now and swear that you mean it, you are never actually going to do it. Like all those times you swear you are going to call up people. Err.. aah post rain is nice. Hey, man crossing the street, hurry up, i dont want to have to break for you. Damn he stopped! Why did he have to stop? He would have made it too. Break, break break. Damn it all, looks like i'm going to fall!

Excuse me. I hate to disturb you, but you do realize you are lying down in the middle of a fairly busy road? Maybe its time to try and get up? Whats the big hurry? I'm pretty sure no one will crash into me and say - woops, didnt quite see you there. I mean, i am lying in the middle of the road. Exactly. Fine, i'll get up. That wasnt so bad. Now for the bike. Shut it off first. Damn it, where are the people who gather around every accident and generally make a nuisance of themselves when you need them? Aah, there comes one. Yes sir, i'd like some help lifting the bike. Oh you can do it without me? Thank you. Yes i'm fine. You could have been a little less cheerful about that fine, you know. Yeah, yeah. I'm off though, arent i? Damn it, this means no gym tomorrow. Aerobics it was too. Nice going. This isnt so bad. Not much pain, i dont seem too disturbed or shaken, think i got away pretty light. OMG, is that a tear in my pant? In my latest if if i were to convert to a religion in which i'd be buried when i died, these are the pants i would want to be buried in pants?? What have you done, you stupid accident??? You might want to stop staring at the tear and lookup

BAM!

Where am i?


P.S. Since i am typing this, obviously at some point during the narrative my imagination divorced reality. But i do have a torn pant and a grazed knee to prove that once upon a time the two were together and very much in love. On the plus side (though nothing can make up for that tear) i got an injection and a dressing! I aint 'fraid o' no shots! I dont actually like them, but not being afraid makes me feel all (there really isnt a better word for this) macho. And dressing. Its my favourite thing about getting hurt. Bandaids, bandages, casts... the bigger the better! Totally makes up for the pain. Except maybe the time i hurt my upper lip while trying out some equipment in the gym and had to walk around with a Charlie Chaplinesque moustache for dressing. Okay fine, i loved that too.

Heroes, one season later

Warning: minor spoilers possible. So if you are not there yet, keep away.

It really is the best way to watch a series. Start late, so the episodes can gush out (a stream, a river, an ocean if you can take it) instead of the once a week trickle that you have to otherwise be satisfied with. For you own sanity though, make sure you have some immovables in your life to hold on to. Being swept away is fine, but you never know when the current becomes too strong to resist.

So, Heroes. Awesome series, totally hooked! Random observations follow.

Out of the billions in this country, find me one, one person named Mohinder Suresh. What kind of a name is that?? Seriously, for all the trouble they seem to have gone into to include world culture, Mohinder Suresh?? I'd have to try really hard to come up with worse. Maybe Bahadur Venkatachalam. Or Panjabakesan Singh. On a related note, how cool is it that they have a track completely in Japanese? Very. I now know that anything written on paper seems to be called manga in Japanese.

Its surprising how much Angela, Nathan and Peter actually look like family! Peter of course is my pick, but that guy needs to tone it down a little. You may be the one who blows up the world (okay New York city, but why split hairs?), but being hyper will not help.

Also, i'm not trying to be a bi**h here, but do fourteen year olds really look like Claire?? And her dad, oh he is easily the most morally manipulative character ever! Starts out by being the villain. Then we are told he has done it all to save his daughter and suddenly, everything is forgiven. Just like that, he is the good guy. It really struck me when i found myself rooting for him, that there is more grey in this series than, no there is only grey in this series. I'm pretty sure even Syler is going to come redeem himself at some point. Its like that voice tells us at the beginning of some episode (or maybe the end, its all one big mash in my head now), its not about right or wrong. Its about survival. It is bloody stupid to judge them by our moral yardstick, but hey, its the only one i have.

And how easily they kill of characters! Now they fill up an episode, and the next one they are gone. And everyone's life is so full of problems, no one looks back. In fact they seem so suspiciously caviler about the whole thing, for a while i thought they'd bring back the dead ones. After all, anything is possible. I really wonder how the writers manage to limit themselves to a coherent story. That much of freedom, i'd have gone mad picking a path and sticking to it.

I'm crossing over to season two now, but no spoilers so its safe. I love the way the Irish speak! I've kind of had a soft corner for them ever since i read Trinity. If i'd known Conor Larkin spoke like that, that accent, that lilt, oh damn!

Of course i have to end with if i could what one super power would i pick. Sticking to the ones they've shown so far and not considering the one with all the other ones, flying is in. So is becoming invisible. Talking to machines too. If i were a true geek, at some level i'd already feel connected. But i'm not. Think how super cool it'd be if i could just touch a machine and tell you why it crashed!

I think i'll fly. Have a house in the sky.

And finally, if i seem harsh, its only because i love you and want you to do better!

P.S Just back from imdb. Found out that the dude who plays Mohinder is named Sendhil Amithab Ramamurthy. I eat my words.

Do not do unto others...

Sometimes, all you want to do is hold up a mirror to people. In the hope that they'll see what they have become. That they'll see the exact things they find so difficult/unkind/wrong in others staring back at them. That what they'll see will affect them enough to want to change.

But you dont.

Because you are not sure you cannot handle a mirror being held up to you.

The Three Hundredth

Post this one is. Which of course means it has to be a meta-blogging one. I did toy around with the idea of postponing it to the 301st, but pretending to be different? Lame-r than following the herd.

Warning (inserted after having written halfway): This is going to be very boring to anyone who was not there. And since no one but me was there though the 6 years i plan to cover...

The first two years
She inspired me to start. With this post. Took a few posts to develop the courage to come out to my friends. Started a group chat on MSN, our communication lifeline back then. For everything from lunch to tea to snacks to badminton to birthday cakes to random leg pulling to gossip.

Me: I have a confession to make (or something equally dramatic)
She: Now what?
(To this day, i remember she said that. I wonder why. Its not like we did dark confessable deeds everyday. We were seedhe saade bachche log. Very. The only way we were conspicuous was by the amount of noise we made on the lunch table. And err... the number of helpings of food some of us couldnt do without.)
They read. Didnt laugh. Continued to read without having to be reminded. And that is how it took off. Did anything change? I'd like to think so. Most of them blogged at that time and i think reading each other pushed us away from that line that divides colleagues and friends.

The next two
IIT. I know the blog helped. Provided the bootstrapping i needed to come out and start talking to people and hitting people and throwing things on people... (That and the most embarrassing game of basketball ever, but shhh). And i'm so glad at least some bits of that magical time are on record because in a few years, i'll have no problem believing it was all a dream.

The last two
Is when the blog became something more than (lets face it) an outlet for my vanity. Writing helped. Added meaning, at times took it away, made things appear lighter. And has it changed anything? It has been recently discovered at work, not that i'd made it difficult, there is a link on my Orkut page, for God's sake! What does it say about me that it took two years even so? That maybe, i'm not done with needing the bootstrapping.

New theory on weekends

A weekend expands to accommodate all the episodes of Heroes you have managed to get home. After all, it would do at all, would it, if you went back to work on Monday with unfinished business?

The post that shouldnt have been

I know a couple of people like that. Who dont like celebrating days - the day she was born, the day we met, the day Ram killed Ravan, the day Jesus came back... who believe that celebrating something on a designated day actually takes away from the occasion. Celebrations should be spontaneous, they say (or i imagine they do, havent really asked), not turned on and off by the calendar.

I couldnt understand why they analyzed so much. After all, how often would you spontaneously go through the bother of making 10 different kinds of sweets or treat 15 people to dinner? Punctuation marks inn what would otherwise be a really long sentence.
(How do you say did you see that? did you see that?did you see how clever i was? without actually saying it?)

Until of course, i caught the same disease. A milder strain, to be sure, but the disease is the same. I dont like mass distributed happy messages. Okay, maybe i dont dislike them, but I do think they are quite meaningless. All they really say is that you are in the sender's address book. (okay, i admit there is a corner of my heart (that i would like to disown) which is glad of even that). Its almost as impersonal as Airtel wishing you a Happy And Prosperous New Year!

Given that half of the people who currently read this blog actually sent out Happy Diwali messages, i wonder why i even wrote this. I mean, given a choice between being nice and being honest, i pick nice. Always. Its so well established in certain circles that people have stopped asking for my opinion on the new cupboard they have bought. Not that that is such a bad thing, me not being a particularly interested or competent authority on cupboards anyway.

Who knew blogging could bring out the nasty in me!

About Aditi

Khabar Nahi is the new Aditi. Like Aditi, it can pick me up from bottomless hells, telling me everythings gonna be okay. While Aditi did it with the words, with the music, with the voice, this one does it just by being.

Of course, it might turn out that the fool is singing it to his sandwich. After Aditi turned out to be about a cat, nothing will surprise me.

Cat!

P.S. After the 25th hearing in 3 days, i have to regretfully admit its not in the same class as Aditi. The lyrics dont make the cut.

P.P.S. Anyone here mad enough about that series to guess where that last Cat! came from? A cat that could have been named Micheal.

Milestones

Sometimes you have to look back to know how far you've come.

I came home today to a rearranged room. The "library" had moved in and the only occupied shelf in it was finally filled not with raincoats, not bills, not orphaned bits of clothing, but books. My books. Stuff that I had bought. Bought. Put a big smile upon my face. And i knew, the only person who would really understand that smile was me from 10 years ago. I wanted to go tell her, look, we did it! Just stood there for a while, drinking it all in. For the first time, i wanted a photograph on my blog. Something to say i was here. Did a quick scan and realized about half of them were SF. Of course at this stage of my addition, what surprised me was that half of them were not.

I just hope that somewhere, me at the fag end of my 30s is dancing with excitement, wishing she could come and tell me the same. Which would be really something, because now, where are the dreams?