Happy new year

Tu dhoop hai, jham se bikhar
Tu hai nadi, o bekhabar
Beh chal kahin, ud chal kahin
Dil khush jahan, teri to manzil hain wahin

They speak to me, these lines. Especially the last one. It makes it sound so simple. Sigh. If only i could find the damn place, dilkhushjahan.

Another year is almost here. Starting from some arbit point, the earth is about to complete one revolution around the sun. Celebrate.

Another circle of life

Rat-a-tat-tat-tat!

Is it Diwali time? And is that the patter of little feet moving to the sound of tiklis bursting from the plastic gun? And is that the part excited part afraid squeal of the gun wielder as the tikli flashes into ashes?

Naah.

Its an ordinary everyday evening. And those are the parents old feet chasing mosquitoes with a plastic bat. And that is the triumphant scream of the bat wielder as a mosquito hits the bat and flashes into ashes.

It is their second childhood after all.

(In case you haven't come across the latest in pest control, i present to you MachchBuster 2000. A tennis bat shaped bat, it has a light plastic body with a deadly electrified wire mesh. Prominent at the centre of the mesh is a lightning shaped shape, serving to remind everyone of the lightning scar bearer's victory over the Dark Lord. And mosquito unlucky enough to come in contact with the mesh when the bat wielder happens to be pressing the button that electrifies it is not only dead, but cremated with full honour.)

And we? We are the adults now. Too occupied with with life to join the fun. Yet keeping an eye on them, in case they get carried away.

Ha! Whom am i kidding? Wannabe adults, thats who we are. We talk the talk, sure, but are yet to walk it.

Issued in public interest

A strange new phenomenon has been recently observed in audio devices used to play music. Termed Leftyingitis, the phenomenon affects the playing ability of the left half of devices such as headphones and earphones. Acute Leftyingitis is a temporary onset of the phenomenon in which the left half of the device rarely generates music but is known to generate squeaks of static and cries for help. Chronic Leftyingitis is more permanent. The left half of the device shows no sign of life and can actually be cut off from the device if it was not for the aesthetics.
A rarer strain of the phenomenon similarly affecting the right half of audio devices has also been reported. Called Rightyingitis, this strain is as deadly as its more common cousin.

Possible causes:
The jury is out on this one. While hundreds of theories and thousands of wannabe ones have been fighting for the top spot, experts agree that one of the Big Four is most likely to win.

1. A new communicable disease that spreads through luminiferous ether (which, according to the scientists was chosen as the medium because "its a really cool name begging to be used")

2. Evolution: Biologists claim to have seen this coming. They claim that evolution has given up on ever being able to evolve man into a higher being and has now taken to experimenting on man made stuff.

3. Intelligent Design: Proponents of this theory claim that the phenomenon is too narrow and specific to have come about by chance. They claim it is all part of the Makers plan. Unfortunately their press release forgot to capitalize the M, thus triggering wide spread protests outside Bose, Sony and Apple offices.

4. The flying spaghetti monster: Pastafarians claim it is because His Noodly Appendages have been having some fun.

And then of course, there is Global Warming. And the Al-Qaeda.

Cures:
Acute Leftyingitis may be cured by tilting the head carrying the device in certain positions. These positions are random and the effects are not repeatable. The affected device may also respond to physical abuse.
If your audio devices are exhibiting chronic versions of either strains of the phenomenon, you are advised to adjust your definition of a complete musical experience to one in which you can hear from both ears.

Workaround:
Buy audio devices in pairs. If you are lucky, each device in your pair will exhibit a different strain of the phenomenon. If not, swap one of your devices for one exhibiting the opposite strain. Remember though that Rightyingitis is rare, so if both your devices have Leftyingitis, you are better off crushing them both and starting all over again. By whatever means, if you end up with two devices exhibiting opposite strains, get your ears surgically repositioned so that you can listen to both devices at the same time.

Dark Could Vs Silver Lining

Dark Cloud: It takes more self control than i've got to
1. skip meals
2. go for early morning jogs
I'm doomed.

Silver Lining: I've joined a gym! With a very attractive corporate discount!

Dark Cloud: Too attractive. The money no longer compels me to show up. I'm doomed.

Silver Lining: On the days i do show up, i feel great after working out!

Dark Cloud: And miserable before. And old during. I used to be able to jog for 20 minutes at a stretch. Not anymore. I'm doomed.

Silver Lining: There is always aerobics! Shaking my body to loud music, its the closest i am ever going to get to dancing, and i LOVE it! I love the before! i love the during! i love the after!

Dark Cloud: Oh, but the songs i have to put up with. I want to die when I'm a Barbie girl comes up. And it comes up. Every time. Its one of those songs i'd be terribly embarrassed to be seen enjoying and yet, in that atmosphere i cant help it. More than once i've horrified myself by catching myself singing along. If they ever play Brazil, i'll quit. I'm doomed.

Silver Lining: Thats just one song in an hour! The ones she plays during cool down are really nice!

Dark Cloud: Whatever. After all that, I'm still as fat. I'm doomed.

Silver Lining: (for once without the enthusiasm to talk in exclamation marks) Sigh. You win. I'm doomed.

They get together to form one huge dark cloud and live gloomily ever after.

Acknowledgments: Silver Lining inspired by the following characters from Terry Pratchett's Maskerade
1. Christine, who says everything with an exclamation mark
2. The Opera House Ghost, who leaves threatening notes with written maniacal laughter with 5 exclamation marks. Stuff like

Dear Opera House Manager,

ehahahahahaha!!!!!

Respectfully,
The Opera House Ghost.

Terry the wise says, "And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears their underpants on their head". You will notice that i have used them only in the singular.

Lessons to unlearn the past

1. Movies do not grow on tress. Neither do TV series.
2. Every hour of the day its own purpose. They are not interchangable.
7 A.M. != 8 P.M. != 2 A.M.
Which means, you cannot start work at 8 P.M., you cannot go for a walk at 2 A.M. and you cannot get home at 7 A.M.
3. Yellow smiley balls are for kids. You are not one anymore.
4. If you want exercise, you have to make yourself do it. There is no coach expecting you to turn up. No conditioning camp instructors threatening to throw you out of the skiing trip if you dont show up. No classmates for company. Its either you by yourself or nothing at all.
5. You cannot go around from desk to desk, bugging people just because you are bored. One, they are all working. Two, you dont know most of them.
6. Afternoon sleep is not a constitutional right. It is grave injustice, but until you become the puppet-master of the country's ruling parties and the constitution your personal diary, you will just have to learn to live without it.
7. All the sporting action you are going to get is likely to be televised. It is not possible to get 4 people together for baddy, leave alone 6 for basky. (It is 6, isnt it?) Or TT. Or tennis. Or Phatta. Unless you can convince yourself that foosball is a sport. You suck at it, but when has that been a problem?

Misery loves company

And mine is so happy right now, it is throwing a party! All of you reading this are invited, yes, all three of you.

There are few things in this world that cause me as much misery as having to wear a saree does. Not that i've had to on too many occasions, but i live in mortal dread of some such occasion popping up and me having to put up another fight of my life. And it is just impossible to make people understand that i genuinely dont like the garment. I would dearly love to punch the next person who says - you cannot look bad in a saree. Really??? That is your argument? That i should wear something i dont like, am extremely uncomfortable and totally self-conscious in, just because i look good in it? Really??? And a smaller punch for the person who tries cultural blackmail. There are thousands of women who gladly wear sarees, let them preserve this part of our culture. I'll find some other part to preserve. Like... err... i'm sure i'll find something, considering the alternative!
(Yes, that is an actual argument. You cant throw "but what if everyone thinks like that" at me. Everyone does not think like that.)
My misery is pouring out like this because suddenly and most unexpectedly, it has company! One of Bhai's closest friends is getting married and he has been asked to be a groomsman. And do you know what groomsmen wear? Suits!!!! And, suits are to him what sarees are to me. (You can tell we are related, cant you?) I dont think i have ever been so happy in such a twisted way! While he continues to fight the groom for his right to wear black (jeans and t-shirt, of course), my misery is enjoying the company! And irrespective of the outcome, i know i have found one person who understands.

P.S. If he loses the fight, my plan is to beg the groom to let me into the wedding so that i can..well, i dont really have to do anything. I just have to be there. My misery will have the time of my life.

Dream of a dream

As I watch Chak De second hand (second hand viewing is what happens when someone else is watching a movie, generally on a PC, generally with headphones, and you looking at the screen is only incidental) it hits me again. If there is something i can see myself happily do for a living for a long long time, it is playing some sport. I know, i know, i probably know nothing about that life or what it takes from you, but i can dream cant i? And as long as i am dreaming, i'd like to dream about a team sport. Not that an individual sports are not fun. They have their perfect moments where your eyes see the right thing, your brain makes the right decision, your body executes the decision beautifully and you feel like ONE being. Now imagine this perfection extended to include other people and suddenly, you are no longer limited to yourself. You are part of a much bigger whole.
All right, i'll stop drooling. But i now get why parents sometimes want their kids to fulfill their dreams. Its not the dream they want to pass on, its the fulfillment they imagine their dream would have bought. But it doesnt work like that, does it? The best you can hope for is that your kid finds his dream before its too late.

Not moving on

A few weeks ago, life took me back to my college. I was going back after 5 long years and was pretty sure no one would remember me. It wasnt as bad as i'd expected. My name didnt ring a bell but my face certainly did! As they were trying to place me in a batch, one of the teachers asked me who my BE project guide was. And i went blank. My recovery went something like this - - B.E project? Did I do a BE project? I would certainly have remembered if i'd done one. But it must have been part of the course or she wouldnt have asked. So we had a guide? How i can i not remember my guide? My M Tech thesis guide still haunts me sometimes, how could i have forgotten my B.E project guide? And more importantly, how could i have forgotten my B.E project?? Took 5 minutes and a lot of prodding from those present, but i got to the answer. Fortunately, my guide was not among those present. I was still quite embarrassed and by way of apology said something like - the stack's grown too deep. I have to pop out a lot of stuff to get to that information. (She taught us Data Structures. That much i remember) And she laughed and said - Dont worry, i understand. Our stacks run deeper than yours.

This fading out has already reached my M Tech memories now. A few nights ago, i couldnt remember the name of a professor and it kept me awake for a long long time. This other time i couldnt remember the name of the ONE multiplex in Kanpur. And i still cant remember the name of the ridiculously expensive restaurant on the second floor of that multiplex. Dabba and batti have gone back to their usual meanings. (Technical question, can a macbook be called a dabba? I've been trying to come up with a common name for all the computers in at home.)

I know its not a catastrophe. I know the old has to make way for the new. But until some exciting new comes along, i'd rather hold on to the old.

Blogging in my sleep

I do not talk in my sleep. It is one of those tiny, insignificant things about me that i wish was otherwise. I simply love to hear people talk in their sleep and only superstitions ingrained into near and dear ones stop me from holding full fledged conversations with sleep talkers. The whole thing is so amazing, they are right there in front of you and at the same time also in some alternate reality. My favourite part is telling the sleep talker what he/she talked about next morning and watching them being amazed at the idea of having been somewhere they have no recollection of being!
Since i cant have what i dont have, I am going to be very mature and celebrate what i do have. I cannot answer the phone when i am asleep. That, lads and ladies, is the nearest i get to being abnormal in my sleep. The following sequence of events which explain the phenomenon have been put together after careful post-postmortem of several such occurrences.
I am asleep.
The phone rings.
I hear it.
I open my eyes.
I squint at the display, trying to identify the caller.
My brain tells my hands to answer. But someone somewhere messes up and I end up pressing the wrong key. Aah, but not just any wrong key, (this is where you see the brilliance of my postmortem) i press the key that is supposed to shut off the alarm.
I wonder why the damn thing wont stop ringing.
I talk into a ringing phone.
I wonder why the idiot at the other end doesn't answer.
Somewhere in all this confusion, i go back to sleep.

(This post is what i have come up with after about 3 weeks of wondering what to write. I gotta get me a life. Seriously.)

About a dog

A huge, shiny black dog belonging to the neighbourhood has been adopted by our office. He is friendly enough for me to be able to look past his size and admire him. I think he is the first ever non-filmy dog that i have found beautiful! He shares our parking lot with some chickens , who also belong to the neighbourhood.

As i leave for home, i see a kid (also i suspect belonging to the neighbourhood) playing with a laser pointer kind of thing. He moves it around so that the light shines on the ground. The dog, thinking that it is a ball, chases the light around, barking part in fun, part in frustration at not being able to lay its jaws on it!

You know you have grown up when you cant look at such a scene and not see a deeper message.

The circle of life

Do you ever get the feeling that nothing new ever happens anymore? That everything that happens has already happened before, either to you or to someone else? That all motion is just an illusion, we are moving sure, but not really getting anywhere because it all a giant cycle and at some point, you are going to be right where you started?
My Aunt was talking to my grandmom a few days ago, and she says - "Can you believe it, the kid who delivers newspapers at our home called me Ajji?" (Ajji is grandmother in Marathi and probably several other languages). And my granny lets out a properly shocked But you are so young! And i think, is this what life is all about? Going from indignation over being called Aunty to indignation over being called Ajji?
Recent months have seen me as a participant in more than my fair share of married girl talk and mum talk. Not having experiences of my own to contribute, i naturally turn to those of my mothers. And you know what, one generation later they are still facing the same issues!! In-laws, kids, domestic help, balance between work and home - you would have thought they would have found a solution by now! Think i am being a little naive here? That these are universal issues that actually unite us as a species? Like, how many ever ages the little fish have been around, how many ever tricks evolution has taught them about hiding better, they still have to worry about being eaten by the big fish, dont they? That never goes away. Somehow, i thought humans would be more intelligent.
Take babies. How idiotic is it that every baby has to start form the very beginning? Shouldn't evolution have evolved by now that babies come in knowing some of the stuff humans have perfected over generations? (Am reading All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot. In one story he goes to deliver a lamb. The moment the little ones come out, they totter around for a few seconds as they learn to stand on their feet and then head straight to the mother's udder! And the shepherd, who has seen this a thousand times, still stares in amazement and says - How do they know?) . I must admit though, an all knowing baby without the whole wide-eyed-wonder thing? Not very appealing! Also, i'm not exactly clear how much pre-programming the babies should come with. I mean, life is generally mostly about the journey, they would be missing out on that. On the other hand, they do get a lot of stuff ready made anyway. No one gives they kids a couple of sticks and says - go, discover fire! (see how confused i can get? I no longer know which side i am arguing on!)
What is really offended here, is in some sense my ego. The belief that i am an individual, i am unique. That i choose my own roads. That my life is not a rehash of lives that have already been led before. That at the end of it all, i will be standing where no one has stood before.

P.S. Scott Adams says it much better with his moist robot theory and you being a hologram programmed by a prior real version of you theory.

Good health implies bad hygiene

And hence it has been proved. That washing your hair, however scant it may be, is injurious to health. Especially to your shoulder muscles. And especially if you have just re-started going to the gym after 4 months. And especially due to attempted bravado, wherein you assume you can literally pick up where you left off and start with 4 times the minimum weight. And especially if you have a history of shoulder problems.

If and when i have a house of my own, the bathroom door will have the following message printed in large friendly letters

Enter at your own risk

Once there will be a young girl

You know the armour of indifference is cracked when:

• you want to kill people who flout traffic signals. You do not want to look at them indulgently and think aisi bhi kya jaldi hai baba, you want to kill them.
  

• it is one of those rare weekends when the starts have smiled. An empty court, 3 available people and you are off to your hour of badminton. An extended family member says - i don't know why you waste your time playing. Cant you find anything better to do? And instead of the "you will never understand me but i still love you" smile, your first reaction is a "how dare she" spike of anger.

• it has been decided, for excellent reasons, that everyone will report to work by 10. It poses no practical problems to you since you hail from a family of early risers. But still, you object to the decision on principle, it seems un-democratic. It takes all your self-control to stop yourself from going to the people in charge first thing in the morning and saying - Sir! Vinaya N reporting for duty, Sir!

People get to you. Their attitudes get to you. Their actions get to you. And you wonder, isn't it supposed to be the other way round? Aren't the sharp edges supposed to get smoother with age? Aren't you supposed to become more tolerant?

Yesterday's TOI had an article about how age is all in the mind. Maybe that is it! I am getting younger in my mind!! And hence more porcupine-y. Assuming this continues, if after a few months you come across a 20 something girl giggling without a cause and replying with a "shendi cut up" to your "shutup", that would be me.

Booooooks!

You open the bookshelf and find 6 unread books waiting to be consumed - it is times like there that make me glad i earn what i do.

Of course, by the time i could put this post to paper (Yes, i am writing this on paper and will type it out later, and No, i do not know of a better way to spend my weekend), the number of unread books has dwindled to 3. So i am halfway between dreams-come-true-land and nightmare city.

All 6 were procured as part of sales in various book stores, none, as far as i can recall, at any discount. Now i know the power of a Sale, it is just a legitimate excuse to go crazy! I was showing off my catch to a cousin and he says,

Cousin: I cant believe it! All of these are so good you went and bought the original?
Me: Original? Arre, nakli books bhi koi leta hai kya?
(Rich, coming from someone who until a year ago regularly drooled over roadside book stalls.)
Cousin: I don't know how you can get yourself to pay full price
Me: Guilt.
(That is one of the prime movers of my life. I mean, what excuse do i have to not go and buy the original? The book means much more to me than the 250 rupees i spend on it. And Pinocchio would call me a liar if i said i couldn't afford it. It was guilt that make me, ME, go and pay full price for HP7 on the day it came out. That is how powerful it is.)
Anyway, i don't suppose you will understand it. The same way i don't understand how you can get yourself to spend so much on branded clothes.

And with that,we agreed to disagree. And launch our own small war on piracy. I buy original books, he buys original clothes. The only thing we need to complete our League Of Extraordinary Fools is one who watches only original movies!

Rambling

I tried to write something about my being an exercise junkie, in which i tried to go on and on about fixes and highs and reveal in the end that i was talking about exercise all the while, but it all got too depressing.

Then i thought i could write about my first "stay-over" at a book store on Saturday. I spent hours lost in a book called No onions no garlic. It was funny, yes, but what kept me hooked was the fact that some of the scenes seemed to be lifted right out of my home! I never realized we were so typical. But that would have been a two-liner post and i am trying at stay away from those.

All this blueness reminded me how in my first job, a friend and i used to get regular Friday Blues, which is depression you get at the prospect of yet another purposeless weekend. Now i get Friday blues and Monday blues. And Sunday blues. And sometimes Tuesday blues too. Yeah, I'm blue should maybe become my anthem. (I'm wearing something blue as i type this, what are the odds!!!)

At this point, i wakeup and realize that i may be scaring off a couple of young things that read this blog about life outside academics. Listen kids, its not so bad in general. Honest. Only, it hasnt been my day. Or week. Or month. Or even my year. And anyway, anyone who looks up to me as a responsible adult or my life as some measure of as good as it gets is a bloody idiot. There, you have been warned!

P.S. I have decided to dignify all the crying i have been doing all over the blog with a label of its own. Its called Boo Hoo. Bet you didn't see that coming. Anyone who clicks on that link needs serious help.

P.P.S. Another theory of mine. According to it, we tend to approximate sounds into words and fail miserably. And then we get so used to the approximation that we change the sound! Take Boo Hoo for example. Have you heard anyone actually go boo hoo while crying? I'm sure it was meant as an written approximation for the sound people make while crying. Already it has found its way into our spoken language. And i predict someday it will change the way we cry. Like Haha has changed the way we laugh. Or Ouch has changed the way we ask for Iodex. Wonder if the theory apply to animals too. I mean, will cats tomorrow actually cry out meow the way do? Or dogs go bow-wow? Or will it be woof?

P.P.P.S. I really admire the person who invented woof. I first came across the approximation in Enid Blyton's books but i'm not sure she invented it. Whoever did it must have been brilliant. And so brave. It couldnt have been easy standing up to a world raised on doggie says bow-wow and say, no, they say woof. Babies would have laughed at him.

Suppose

Came across this Tamil song Suppose yesterday and have been grinning ever since. (Warning, do not see the video, it pretty much wiped the grin off my face). Its the combination of not exactly poetic lyrics and a classical-ish tune that does it, i suppose. Devoid of work and ideas that i am, i decided to try and translate the first para into Hindi. Some points about the translation:

• Its not literal. Because that is no fun. And also because i dont know enough Tamil. What does Baedhalichu mean anyway?
• Not translating the word "suppose". Thats part of the non-poeticness. Out of curiosity though, what in Hindi would suppose translate to? Socho ki?

Tamil:

Suppose Unnai Kaadhalichu
Suppose Naanum Baedhalichu
Suppose Enna Kattikkoanaa
Enna Solvaai

Suppose Un Mael Koabam Vandhu
Suppose Angae Ena Marandhu
Suppose Naa En Seruppeduthaa
Enna Seivaai

Hindi:

Suppose tum se pyaar hua
Suppose tumko dil diya
Suppose tumse byah kiya
To kaisa hoga

Suppose tumpe gussa aake
Suppose khud pe kaboo khoke
Suppose haath mein chappal aaye
To kaisa hoga

Time for a career change, maybe? If someone is looking to remake Sukran in Hindi, talk to me!

While on the topic, why do most Tamil to Hindi song translations suck so? Either they are plain idiotic (remember telephone dhun mein hasne wali? To be fair though, it was almost a literal translation, but the nonsense is at least tasteful in Tamil). Or they are filled with unheard of Hindi words which make them unhummable (awara bhavre, dil se). Thankfully they seem to have stopped dubbing movies, otherwise the software industry's gain would have become Bollywood's loss!

Which is worse?

That i had to survive a week at work without the Internet or that i did?
(Knowledge gained as part of the survival: the clock on the phone on my desk is 30 seconds behind the clock on my PC. And my mobile is 18 seconds behind my desk phone )

That i now have to travel 12 kms and 10 signals to get to work or that i like it?

That i don't have a life or that i don't miss it all that much?

That i drink tea thrice a day or that i still don't like it?

Who cares? I just played a game of carom with board magnets. And discovered a badminton court walking distance from the office. I am uplifted. It doesn't get better then this!

Duh!

Takes more than a quarter of a century to realize that life is war, that only indifference can bring you peace.
Seriously, how dumb can one get?

I-day

That Choudhary's wife, hahaha, she is actually worshiping the flag with flowers and Rangoli. Touching the foot of the pole, asking it for blessings, reported my uncle to general laughter. And your aunt is making modaks for the Mahatma, he said, something my aunt hotly denied from the kitchen. Public display of patriotism has always been ridiculed in the circles i move in, expect if it is during a cricket match. Independence day, Republic day, Gandhi Jayanti have all been reduced to public holidays in which TV channels have record ratings and malls have record sales. Not that i am in a position to judge, its been a long long time since these days stopped feeling special. But once in a while, i catch Vande Mataram or Saare jahan se achcha or Ae mere vatan ke logon or Jana Gana Mana being played somewhere and i feel a part of something bigger. I guess it is the sort of feeling people get during Dussera or Diwali. Who knows, thousands of years from now, Gandhi might have morphed into a legend, who came to earth to deliver us from the evil British! We'd have to come up with better super powers for him though. Ability to abstain from food, not very impressive!

(Gandhi bashing seems to be the flavour of the season. Gandhi My Father apart, it is only when I saw Cheeni Kum that i realized how utterly frustrating it must be when somebody reacts to a situation by going on a fast!)

There is one in my head!

You know TV has conquered your senses when you mentally curse something and it comes out as as a beep!